Dear Creditor

Sir David Murray
Mr. Craig Whyte
Mr. Paul Murray
Mr. Bill Ng
Mr. Bill Miller
Mr Charles Green,
c/o The Rangers*,
Ibrox Stadium,
150 Edmiston Drive,
Glasgow G51 2XD
North Britain,

Mr. Bhutta
Bhutta’s Newsagents,
142 Copland Road,

Glasgow G51 2UB:

Dear Mr. Bhutta,

Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Charles Green. Some people call me ‘Emerald’.

I am a colourful businessman who has been a director of no fewer than fifteen companies which have gone into liquidation.  My latest project is a football club called Rangers FC (in Administration) which I am hoping to gut and fillet in the coming weeks.

You may be aware that the Administrators of that football club, a firm called Duff and Phelps, are anxious to drag out the administration process for as long as possible because they are raking in a couple of hundred thousand pounds every week for as long as the money lasts.  Who could blame them, eh?   I’d do the same myself, given half a chance.

Speaking of me, it turns out that I am the latest one to have been offered the opportunity to buy Rangers FC (in Administration). My predecessor, an American chap called Mr. Bill ‘Liam’ Miller, had a quick look at the bookwork and, by all accounts, took suddenly ill. I, however, am made of sterner stuff, (not least because I’m English). Moreover, having been involved in fifteen liquidations myself, I can safely say that I’m quite an old hand at ignoring toxic debt. After the game against St. Johnstone on Sunday  I had a quick butcher’s at the Orcs’ accounts and I have to say that of all the liquidations which I’ve been involved in, this one takes the biscuit!  (As one businessman to another, let me just give you a quick tip – don’t give these people any credit or you’ll regret it. Make sure you get cash up front or no deal.)

Which brings me neatly, I feel, to the matter at hand.  Looking at their accounts, I couldn’t help but notice a list of 277 creditors who are owed a total which is not far off £134,000,000.  One of these creditors is your good self.  You are still owed the sum of £567.45, although it’s so long overdue that you may well have forgotten all about it.

Incidentally, it did strike me that at the very least I might write a letter of apology to you expressing the club’s deep sorrow and acute embarrassment at this state of affairs. However, I was dissuaded from following this course of action by a geezer called Sandy Something-or-other. He seems to be well thought of in some quarters and he assures me that this is not the Rangers Way. Apparently it does not do for Rangers to show any signs of remorse or regret. I might say that this strikes me as odd but I must also concede that, as an Englishman, I am fairly unfamiliar with the customs and traditions of your fine country which I had rarely visited until this week. Indeed, I had never even heard of Rangers until they made the UK news headlines during their visit to Manchester in 2008. (Something to do with a broken television, was it? I think Chelsea were involved too? I can’t really remember the details.)
Anyway, Sandy says there’s to be no apology, that Rangers don’t show weakness, that you should consider yourself honoured to be a Rangers creditor and that you’ll be remembered as one of the bastards who stuck the boot in once the ‘Gers are back on top.

Would I dare to fly in the face of such sound advice on cultural manners from a local man? No chance. So. Up yours, it is, Mr. Bhutta.

That brings me to my next point. You’ve probably heard some talk about a CVA proposal. No doubt you will be too busy selling newspapers to have given the matter much thought. Let me give you a quick guide to what’s going to happen. If you saw the unfortunate headlines in some of today’s newspapers you may have gained the impression that I am spearheading a consortium of about twenty extremely wealthy partners who intend to pour vast sums of money into the club’s Warchest™ in the near future. This may have had the unintended side-effect of raising your hopes that you may finally see your £567.45 one day. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. Those millions upon millions of pounds which my partners are going to invest are not for the likes of you, I’m afraid. That money is for Ally to spend on buying over-priced, over-paid, under-achieving no-marks for the Rangers first team of the future.  

I may be new to this country but I’ve already done a bit of homework. Apparently, there is a newspaper called ‘The Scotsman’, which nobody ever reads these days. However, it was pointed out to me that its leader column just a few days ago stated that Scotland needs Rangers. I see no reason to doubt a newspaper which has been losing thousands of readers every month for many, many years now.  It must know a thing or two about what Scotland needs. And it says that Scotland needs Rangers. Does it say that Scotland needs customers to pay their debts and settle their bills in full? No, it says that Scotland needs Rangers. So that settles that.

This means that instead of £567.45, the best you can hope for is £17.02, which is 3p in the pound. Frankly, I think you should be very grateful that you’re being offered that much.

Personally, I am tremendously excited about the future possibilities of this approach to business, if it succeeds. As a businessman yourself, I am sure you can appreciate the enormous cost-saving benefits of a scheme which reduces expenditure by 97%! Holy smoke, if I could have got away with only paying 3% of my bills in the past, I might never have had any liquidations at all, let alone fifteen of the buggers!

Now. In case you’re tempted not to accept this generous offer, let me just invite you to contemplate another very important consideration.

A man called Ally is thought to be very keen to have full transparency on the matter of the names and addresses of the creditors who endanger the future well-being of The Rangers (in Administration) by rejecting the CVA proposal.

Let’s look at it this way. That’s a nice business you’ve got there, Mr Bhutta. Sure would be a shame if anything were to happen to it, if you get my meaning. Of course, if you accept the CVA proposal of a measly three pence in the pound, you’ll probably not have to worry about that. You seem like a smart kind of guy. I really wouldn’t want to see you get on the wrong side of one of the notorious ‘small minorities’ who attach themselves in their thousands to Ally’s team. (No, not Chelsea; his other team.) You want to take my advice and do the sensible thing just in case things in the future get a little ‘transparent’. If you catch my drift.

If you bear in mind that the £550.43 which you’ll never see will play its part in encouraging almost two dozen multi-millionaires to pour millions of pounds into wages for Rangers bench-warmers next season then you will have some considerable consolation for having been ripped off.  Alternatively, you should look at your £567.45 in a different perspective.  Paul Clark makes more than that just by twiddling his thumbs for an hour.  You’re in the wrong game, sunshine.  Administration is where it’s at.

I have taken the liberty of enclosing a Rangers (in Administration) season ticket application form with this letter so that you can enjoy the Rangers experience next season. You may also want to be the first among your friends to buy the classic Sheffield United home kit from the 2006-2007 season so I’m sending you a catalogue for the Blades mail order service as well.

Yours in Sheffield United Rangers,

Charlie “Emerald” Green.

15 and counting.

P.S. These are very troubled times for The Rangers so I am sure you will understand why I found it necessary to send this letter to you without putting a stamp on the envelope.   


Posted on May 15, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. Essential readin..absolute genius!!

  2. Fantastic, my thoughts when i read the story re millions being poured in. i just couldn’t express them in such an engaging way.

    Scotland’s shame have no shame and it looks like their new owners (hmm hmm) will fit right in. The carcass is almost stripped BEAR.

  3. Hoops For Me All The Way

    That was excellent. Needed cheering up and it made me laugh.

  4. James Connolly

    Excellent reading Mr Clarson, take a well deserved bow.

  5. Magic Pure Magic, good insight , take another bow

  6. It would be quite funny if it were not so true!

  7. Dear Mr. Green,
    B***ard! That’s it! “Meena! Gypsy Creams are up by 20pence……..”

    Yours, Mr. Bhutta.

  8. James Scotjolly

    Brilliant – How true, and what a good laugh, hope Mr Bhutta gets paid !! £567.00 to a local convenience store is a lot of turnover.

  9. excellent mr clarson, your good self and alex thompson the only ones in the media to call it as it is, funny but very true

  10. HenryC, once again, a masterpiece my friend. Summed up in a humorous but insightful way. Jaq x

  11. This needs a wider audience G 😉 x

  12. Henk as always never misses the target.

  13. Mohammad Bhutta

    Dear Mr Green

    Thank you for your letter.

    As a small businessman, I share your sentiment with the ‘liquidation’ idea. It sounds brilliant! Perhaps the next time you’re in Govan, you can spare me 10 mins of your very valuable time to explain in detail how best I can go about this. I’ve been doing some research on this ‘liquidation’ thing, but some tuition from a real ‘master’ such as yourself would be much appreciated!

    With your very generous offer of the £17, (keep the 0.2p and use it to buy a new striker), I plan on making my fortune!

    I’m going to put my business into liquidation and tell all the Newspaper groups and my cleaner, Isa to fucking sing for their money as I’m going into said ‘liquidation’! With the £17 you are so graciously giving me, I’m going to buy 17 shite English football clubs that are teetering on the brink and mortgage the season tickets to Ticketus. I reckon that this will provide me with about £200m and I reckon that I can defraud HMRC of about £9m per club over 9 months, giving me another £153m.

    From a simple £17 stake, I can probably make £353m over 9 months and after I have made my fortune, I will sell you all 17 clubs for £1 each and you can rip the arse out of them as I couldn’t give a fuck.

    I would like to thank you for your letter as it has given me

  14. Loving the notion of accepting £0.0x per £ so that the club can crack on and invest ‘millions’ back into the squad the souness, the walter the restoration of the rightful place within the very fabric of society. Love to be a fly on the wall during that hmrc/other conversation.

  15. (doing that triumphant Montgomery Burns in The Simpsons…..’excellent’ thing)

  16. Class. Love it. HH

  17. Very funny but so so true.I am a Pars fan and am appalled that my team will be relegated whilst cheating scum get away with this fiasco

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